"House of Mirrors"

Hey Everyone!  I hope you are all well! 

I’m quite sure that talking to me is similar to riding a roller coaster.  This year (meaning August ’11 to now) has been one of many trials, triumphs, tears, and victories. One day when someone talks to me, everything is cool but if they ask again in a week I’ve done a 180.  Actually, I think I’m getting a case of “motion sickness” from it all!  HAHA!  (I’m kind of proud of the analogy I just made… I’m not much of a writer… so this makes me happy!)

This past week has been über busy.  It was the last week for my students to work on their science fair projects before this coming week of due dates, in-class presentations, judging, and then the big event of Science Fair on Friday.

Staring me in the face is a “To Do” list about a mile long.  As I will be busy with Science Fair details and grading I really need to have all my math classes prepared before the week starts so I don’t have to worry about those things during the week.  I am also looking at my non-existent life science plans for the rest of the year and become very anxious that I’ll have to start teaching those non-existent plans come next week.  (eek!)  I also have a graduate (credits) project due.

It seems to be that in these times when I am most busy are also the times where I’m most attacked.  Feelings of inadequacy, inability, and unworthiness creep in. 

(Add to this that I’m currently having Internet problems at home and cannot contact my mom, who is the person I need to talk to most when I’m feeling this way.  L)

(Pause for a moment: I can’t help but tell you a quick funny thing.  It’s Sunday here, and I came to this small coffee shop “e Coffee” right after fellowship to start work on school stuff.  I opted to come here instead of an equally close Starbucks because Starbucks seems to have an abundance of traffic, especially with people that I know.  Not that I’m trying to avoid them, just that I wanted a quiet place to work with few distractions.  All of this to tell you that about 10 minutes of getting settled into my seat and the commencement of “penning” this blog, first, one of my bosses walks in and sits right across from me (not at the same table but at the next table), and second, behind him came a group of 9 people who rearranged the whole room so they can meet/talk. Haha!  How ironic!)

[Anyway… back to my never ceasing feelings of inadequacy… ;) ]

Yesterday (Saturday), I went to the school around 9:30AM with the goal of crossing off most of my to do list.  I knew that I’d be there for a while so I even took slippers with me so I could get comfortable. 

In the midst of my work and my mind churning over how I was going to get everything accomplished, a song come on.  (Let me clarify, it wasn’t magic in the sense that my iPod turned on by itself… it was already playing music but a certain song came on that really struck me.)

House of Mirrors by Tenth Avenue North (*I know this group has been around for a while, I’ve even had some of their music for at least a year now, but I’ve just started to really listen to them… I HIGHLY recommend this group!)

You can’t seem to see past your own reflection

Caught up in the halls of your introspection

And you’re staring at your mirror on the wall

Asking “who is the fairest of them all?”

‘Cause Lord I know, it’s not me

If only you could see

That you’ve already been set free

Well come on, come on

Let’s throw our mirrors down

Yeah come on, come on

Let’s shatter the glass on the ground

Well you say “hold on, if I could just try this one thing.

Well I know I can change and that would change everything”

But a house made of mirrors never helped you see any clearer

It’s yourself you can’t see past

And Lord, isn’t that just like me?

If only we could see, that He’s already set us free

Well come on, come on

Let’s throw our mirrors down

Yeah come on, come on

Let’s shatter the glass on the ground

Oh, oh

Freedom’s waiting for you now

So come on, come on

And throw your mirrors down

Come on, if you’re tired take a step outside

You might find that you can forget about yourself tonight

Oh, come on if you’re tired of failed attempts to try

Freedom’s waiting when you look outside

Come on, if you’re tired take a step outside

You might find you can forget about yourself tonight

Yeah, come if you’re tired of your failed attempts to try

Freedom is waiting when you look outside

Well come on, come on

Let’s throw our mirrors down

Yeah come on, come on

Let’s shatter the glass on the ground

Freedom’s waiting for you now

So come on, come on and throw your mirrors down

As I was listening to these words I was hit with the truth that this song conveys.  We often find ourselves in a “house of mirrors” where we get caught up in our inadequacies and our failures because we aren’t able to look past ourselves and the things we aren’t able to do.  But the WONDERFUL thing is that God doesn’t see us that way.   When HE looks at those who have put their trust/faith in HIM, HE sees HIS son, the ONE who gave HIMSELF for us!  It was in this epiphany (if you can call it that), that I was reminded of verses like, “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” and “the LORD seeth not as man seeth, for man looketh on the outward apperance, but the LORD lookth on the heart.” 

It’s easy for me to get caught up in what I can and cannot do… I think it is in part what our American culture teaches us, that we are worth as much as we are able to accomplish.  God has not called me to be the best at everything; rather, HE has called me to be my best in, through, and because of HIM.  …and that is what makes a world of difference. 

So, come on!  Let’s throw our mirrors down!  Let’s shatter the glass on the ground!  Freedom is waiting for us now!

On a lighter note, I got to talk to my mom yesterday!  Yea!

I’m figuring out some of the Internet problems I’m having and am sure the entire thing will be resolved soon!  Yea!

I have spring break plans to go to Shanghai and soak up some rest/relaxation!  Yea!

I’m starting an Arbonne 30 Day Fit plan thingy.  Yea???  Maybe Nea??  Haha!  (at least two meals a day will be already planned out for me… that is a for sure Yea!)

My heart seems to be handling the stress well!  Yea!

I have great friends and awesome family members!  All in all, I've been blessed with an incredible support group!  Yea!

*I picked a spot in this small coffee shop where I can people watch.   The workers just lowered the shades though, so now I can’t see the people that I was watching!!!  I think it is a sign to stop blogging and to start working!  Haha!

Love ya’ll!  Thanks for reading, especially if you made it this far!!  One thing I’ve finding out about myself is that I’m pretty long winded… I must take after my dad!   (If you’re reading this dad, that was said purely out of love!!!) 

A long awaited update

Whoa!  It has been a long time! 

My last post was in October, and there is a very good reason for that.  As most of you know, because most of you are also facebook friends with me, it was this past October when I experienced my first (and hopefully last) hospital stay in China.  I know I can be a bit “winded” when a lot of time has passed since my last post, but I will try my best to keep this brief.

About 12:30 AM on October 11 I woke up with bouts of nausea and chest pain, with a very irregular heartbeat that would lessen and comeback in 45 minute cycles.  Obviously, I didn’t make it into work that day and at about 2pm, when I decided it was probably time to get some medical advice, I called a parent of one of my students who is a doctor and offers her skills to help us foreigners out.  She was very concerned and told me to go to a local hospital where she met me.

After some tests and such, the hospital wanted to keep me overnight.  We (the parent-doctor and I) agreed, but when I got to my room (with three beds) we found out a man would also logging in the same room…. Which is when the parent-doctor sent me to a hospital on the other side of town (about a 45 minute taxi ride).

I was given a room on the cardiology floor where I was the only foreigner and the only patient under the age of 40… maybe even 50.  My roommate was an elderly Chinese woman who really enjoyed having a young foreign roommate.  She especially liked to compliment me on my very white skin while she stroked my arm with her unwashed potty hand… I have germ issues. 

Oh, this would be the time to mention some differences in the Chinese hospital system:

• ·      They do not provide hand soap to use after the bathroom
• ·      They do not provide toilet paper
• ·      They do not provide food
• ·      Although they have no smoking signs up, they do not stop someone from smoking if they so wish

Never fear though, I was not alone.  First I had two wonderful Chinese friends who stayed with me (even overnight) to help translate and to keep me company.  Also, many people from the school community came to visit as well as to make sure I had everything I needed (food and HANDSOAP!!!!).

While at the hospital I had many tests, iv’s given, and blood taken. They originally told me everything was fine in an effort to not make me worry, but when the parent-doctor talked to them, they finally told her the truth about my condition, which was that a wall in my heart was stiff. 

I left after 3 nights there, only after being invited to my hospital roommate’s house for tea sometime… and to marry her grandson.   

When I tried to transition back to work life, it didn’t go over so well, so the parent-doctor suggested I go up to Beijing to have a foreign trained cardiologist look at me.

I went, she said I’d eventually be okay and prescribed me some medicine to take as needed.

There are many stories from the hospital I could share… but I have more to write about, so I will not take the time to do so here.

In an effort to be completely open and honest, I would say the rest of the semester after that hospital stay was probably one of the “roughest” times in my life, which I know compared to some other’s lives is not really “rough”… but it was rough for me. 

Satan knows exactly how to bring me down with self-doubt.  I doubted my ability to teach, I doubted my purpose here, I doubted my ability to finish the school year and/or the two-year contract.  I had no passion, no drive, and no energy to do anything at all. 

Then, with the HIS glorious timing I got to go home for a month over the Christmas break.  Our Christmas break is not usually a month long, but this year was a special year.  Being home rejuvenated me.  I was really scared that it was going to take every ounce of strength to return to China, but God really filled me with a peace about coming back and He even gave me a “driven” attitude to not just “get through” the rest of the year, but to really thrive and live.

I’m not going to say that being back has been a breeze, because that would be a lie, but I can say that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed being back.  I’m even enjoying the education profession (at the end of the last semester I never wanted to teach again).  Granted it’s only been 3 weeks back, so I know it’s going to get hard… actually it’s already started to get hard, but I’m trying to keep some boundaries: saying no when I need to, taking a break when I’m getting stressed, and so on.  HE is redeeming last semester, and it is so cool to see HIM work. 

There is so much more I could write about, but I’ve already gone past my intended length. 

Hopefully, this is a start to more regular updates, stories, and thoughts.

Thanks for all the prayers.  They have been heard and answered!  Thank you so much… I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know I have people praying for me.